I'll use this little corner of the web for my own personal use. It's partially hidden, partially visible but in many ways so am I. The ones most likely to stumble across this are fellow classmates but they are good company so no worries there. Besides I do know the basic rule of the internet. "What has been written cannot be unwritten" second only to "what has been seen cannot be unseen" and why one should never go to 4Chan.
I have Ulcerative Colitis and it took me a while to come to terms with it. I went through the coping phases and eventually reached the acceptance stage and I know that whatever happens in regard to my condition will happen but regardless of what that unknown becomes I'm not going to worry about it. I face a highly likely possibility that I will soon have my colon removed but I won't stress over it since that won't do me any good whatsoever. Instead I will maintain focus on the Psych Tech program as well as any other projects I am currently juggling and go from there.
That is not to say that letting go of my colon is that easy, after all we grew together and I am rather attached to it, but these last 10 past years have been less than ideal. There hasn't been many a days when I don't have pain, and it's not GI pain but pain of the joints, the muscles, the tendons and so forth. All side effects of the steroids. I have trouble sleeping, as it is I have always been a bit of an insomniac, this doesn't make it better. I get these little cysts and lesions that are always in danger of turning into infections. I get easy bruising and I heal really slow. The only good thing I have going for me is that I have always had a strong immune system, even if it's considered compromised at the moment, so I rarely get colds and don't get the flu. But I do get other things and I am rather thankful that I was blessed with a rather strong and stubborn mental drive that prevents me from sitting down and giving up.
Not that I haven't wanted to in the past but I can't see myself just doing that, it's pointless and to me the desire to always see the point in something, no matter how irrelevant is what drives me. I'm a research junkie, I always seek more and more information and giving up is the opposite of that, it's simply saying "that's it I'm done!" and believe you me I am far from done.
More importantly what many people don't realize about chronic illnesses is how much of a social disease they really are. They destroy or hamper your ability to socialize with your peers and forget about dating that becomes virtually impossible when you have to excuse yourself every few minutes to go to the bathroom. I won't even address the issue of intimacy in this matter. As it is I'm a rather guarded individual, guarded being different than shy. Trust me I'm not that shy as many learn once they get me going. And in many ways I just want my life back. I want to be free of the need to memorize the exact location of every bathroom whenever I go someplace. The need to memorize the number of gas stations and fast food restaurants on the way from point A to point B. Or even more important, having to worry about having an accident because I couldn't get off the road in time or find a bathroom or whatever. Tired of seeing blood every time I go to the bathroom or wipe, tired of having to make excuses on why I can't eat this or that that a host has so graciously offered. I just want my life back and I will do whatever it takes to achieve that goal come hell or high water.
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